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lost

I always find myself lost.
I BLAME ALL OF THIS ON YOU
here i am at 3am and you tell me I have no backbone??
I shouldn't have to have one as huge and thick and mountainous as the one you've given me.

I hate to cry cause I don't even think I love you enough to lose my breath this way
In fact I know deep down I dont love you at all..

so what is this comfort I try to get from you? why do i try so hard to prove to myself/everyone else that you're all right when you're not

you're too selfish and too depressed to love a girl the way she needs.
you're too much like me.



how do I get out of this hole i've dug myself into?
I dont know the difference between self abuse and the way I always have felt.

I'm stuck by myself and will always and forever be all aone.

separation from my friends
my family
my fiance
i am floating somewhere else while they're on this island i cant ever seem to get to. I swim and build rafts but they break and i break and i hate
always I hate everyone
this is too much to handle and i'm about to give up.

i dont feel like i belong anywhere, no matter what i do i feel disconnected from human life.

I am ultimately so selfishly depressed and lonely and isolated from the human race that i consider death but then I'm too afraid of what people would think if i tried it and failed, then too afraid of what would happen to me after.
I feel nothing but am upset about everything. how is that humanly possible?

my art is stagnant,
my relationship is dysfunctional
i live with people in a box
i have no money
I miss the safety net of school
i cant talk to anyone about anything real because i just laugh and change the subject or stop taking anything seriously and make jokes about how bad life is in general.

and crying gets us nowhere but in the mood for chicken nuggets and cheesburgers
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
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she says it better

"A Good Start"- Maria Taylor

You're one with the burdon of intuition.
You're one with the freedom of a blank stare.
You're one with the best friend you lost,
You wish was still there.

You're one with the dust on that old piano.
You're one with the strings on your new guitar.
You're one with the wind through the open window,
You are.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

You're one with the echos of conversation.
You're one with the strangers you overheard.
You're one with the lesson that was the best one you learned.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.

And it's a shame now, baby, you can't separate
Yourself from where you stood.
And it's the same world, honey, that made you feel so bad,
That makes you feel so good.
Feel so good.
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bob dylaN and friends.

apparently it's only me thats been left behind-
a replacement was I?
here to waste your time..

but as the clock ticks and the days go by- I discover that THIS is the true test of who will withstand my company- and who will break free and fly.

I know I don't hold you back
rarely do I attack-
I may be aggressive, but I only speak my mind
so you won't be surprised to find
that our world is dark- but its the one we chose.

but I think I figured it out.

its not my honesty you doubt...

I just don't fit into your schedule anymore.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
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Fuck your guilt trips

I have done nothing wrong.
Stop making me feel guilty because YOU were confused.


I'm so tired of this- no matter what choice I make someone is always standing in the sidelines blaming ME for what they did wrong.
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky
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Everything just feels heavy.

"Take all your problems and rip 'em apart.. oh oh uh uh oh"

enter old boyfriend as new one.
cannot pay for classes.
graduating college.
must look for a job.
friends are distant.
winter is weighing me down.
my weight is weighing me down.
Must start real life.
must stop thinking about old one.
want to travel- can't even pay for school.
am I an artist?
will I "make it"?
what is making it?
am I contemporary enough?
WILL I GET INTO GRAD SCHOOL?
WOULD I MAKE A GOOD PROFESSOR?
Maryland is evil to my family apparently.


I hope alex and Art is Dead save me from the pressure that I am most likely just putting on myself.
  • Current Mood
    crazy crazy
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Insulted

This is not about a boy- I'll tell you that first off..


I thought that over at least the past year we have gotten closer..
The fact that you came home and then left when you saw I was awake makes me doubt that...
I asked where you were cause I was curious.. and you always tell me anyway.. I don't understand- nothing has been secretive for a long time...

I'm just very very insulted, but I guess you're right.
nothing changes. shit like this used to happen when we weren't as close.

Obviously from how upset I am about this you'll finally get it through your stubborn brain that I care about you .

school is driving me crazy. I feel no passion for my paintings anymore.
  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed
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MMMM ranting and talking out the instability

I used to have a topic of the day on this thing...

I also used to believe in signs.. now I don't know what to believe.
I know that I need to separate the two but its just so hard.. I'm keeping it inside, not telling him that i'm completely positive, because I'm not. I'm not choosing between two people again. this is not a repeat situation because mk chose to end things. it was his doing.

but I feel guilty giving the other one a chance, especially since I'm still so upset about the recent events with mk... I told him everything about myself and he told me a hell of a lot. He knows everything about what happened between djm and I... and I meant all the negative things I said about him I meant it all. I would have prefered to continue with mk, but that feeling of complete certainty was not felt by him, it was felt by djm.
and why would I deny somebody who would spend so much thought and money and whatever else.. on an engagement ring? Why shouldnt I try to get to know him again?
why do I feel guilty?
I was always honest with mk.
It was a very good night tonight, I had a great time with djm. I asked him "why the fuck was it so hard to talk to you when we were dating, but its so easy now?" He said "It was always this easy" and i scoffed a lot and told him he was a psychopath.
when he drove me home he turned on the radio and what was playing?
Hey There Delilah.
I got sad... so I was glad to be home so as to not let on. what a terrible song..
I know I know I can't connect them- so I'll put it in the simplest terms. If I don't take this snail slow- this whole getting to know him thing- there is the horrible chance that he will become a rebound for something that never even hit its peak.

Do you believe that there are signs? or coincidence?

::discuss::
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Written in October

Am I addicted to the pain?
Why is it that I bathe in rain?
You've got a hold on me that I can't grasp
Emerging suddenly from my past
But the futures got me worried
Cause together we cause fury
Controversially predicted
I fell in line, began to follow behind
Just like I said I'd never do again
exceeding the status "plotonic friend"

You called it "poetry in motion" when we snapped out of this trance,
I secretly swayed, but stayed strong, "Maybe one day we'll have a chance,
i never said this was love, although its not something worth losing,
its okay, I'll get along,
i'd adore just being friends,
with you I feel like I belong..
But our connection- we'll ignore
It something that we just can't have
we must revert back to before
before august
before seaweed ..
I'll reluctantly pretend."
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Christmas and such.

The winter season always disappoints me. I have to be grateful for the little babies in my family because without them the big bright lit up tree would just completely lose its luster.
Jack and Rachel seem to lift many spirits, especially when you suffer from heartbreak or loss- I remember in 2003-4 (or whenever time that my ex and I broke up) it was their unconditional love that kept me sane.
My family feels like a holiday movie, if it was a sitcom, it would be banned from television. Home For the Holidays. Its comforting though- it adds warmth.

The holidays... I hate being on break from school because I feel useless- when I feel useless I get depressed- when I get depressed I get restless/snappy/easily irritable- blame people/get selfish etc... this is why winter break is always such a screwed up time...
I don't think I'm alone on this...

"there comes a time when you can't blame it on being depressed and you have to realize that its just your crappy personality."
thats not the exact quote but its just as funny haha- from a book- sloppy firsts.

I'm gonna dye my hair again tonight. (uh oh!!)
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The creative mind/ schizophrenic mind.

i read an article about this and it states that while it is not nessesarily a new thought that creative people aren't entirely sane, there is much more in common between the two than we think..
"What saves [creative people] from the disabling effects of schizophrenia is that they don't suffer from lack of motivation and emotion- known as "introvertive anhedonia""

The article then goes on to say that those suffering from Manic Depression tend more toward emotional art as opposed to schizophrenics who tend toward more intellectual dreamlike art. It says that Van Gogh was said to be depressive, but later on people thought him as mildly schizophrenic.. imagine he was both? what a contradiction. Lack of emotion meets emotion-
Anyway, the interesting part of this article was the similarities between insanity and perception and how they are only about a centimeter apart...
An experiment using "non- artists" as controls; artists and poets; and diagnosed crazies resulted in many of the artists and poets giving the same responses as the schizophrenics.
for example:
"do you think you can learn to read other peoples minds if you wanted to?"
..yes.
"are the sounds you hear in your daydreams really clear and distinct?"
haha yes...

Professional Mathematicians were also asked to take the test and scored high on the lack of motivation/emotion portion (schizophrenia).

MY THEORY:

I believe that people who are diagnosed with schizophrenia are merely a centimeter more PERCEPTIVE and SENSITIVE to their surroundings than creative people. They have such a keen perception that it makes them manic and severely PARANOID. Those who are supremely SENSITIVE begin to grow so paranoid because of their senses that they could drive themselves insane and begin to have delusions, as OPPOSED to perceptions; until they cannot differentiate what is a sensitivity to their surroundings and what is a delusion. Aren't naturally talented artists/poets etc. just people who have an extreme sensitivity to the world? People who are so perceptive that they have an untiring will to create?